It happens at least once a day; a girl with big, perky breasts and a plunging neckline walks by me and, for just a moment, all I can see are those two orbs of phenomenal delight and the whole world sighs with pleasure.
It’s true, breasts can make a man lose his train of thought in an instant, but it’s through no fault of his own.
We’re visual creatures who enjoy things of beauty. That’s not to imply that women are things, but rather that anything that is attractive will capture a man’s attention. For some guys, it’s sexy cars, for others it’s sexy women.
In the U.S., most men are breast men and the reason for that probably has a lot to do with the media. Beer commercials use breasts to sell their products, the Girls Gone Wild videos are all about flashing breasts, and implants are very, very popular around these parts.
But why? Why do men love breasts?
Some experts might gather that it has to do with being breastfed, but if that were the case then just as many women would be obsessed with breasts as well. No, I think the reason is a little simpler than that.
Men love breasts because we don’t have any. They’re soft, supple and feminine, and the idea of cupping them with our hands, sucking on the nipple or rubbing the area in between drives home the wild fantasies we have about them.
Add to that the fact that they are easily spotted and that many women use them as a tool to enhance their outfits, and you have yourself the most valid reasoning on earth.
Breasts are up in our faces at every turn, how can we not become mildly obsessed with them? And it’s not as though women help; so many of them tend to flaunt them, wearing bras that give just enough support but not so much that they lose their jiggle. So it’s sort of your fault that men love breasts as much as they do.
Do men love all breasts?
But don’t get me wrong; men don’t love all breasts. And contrary to popular opinion, bigger is not always better. Just as women have standards when it comes to penises, we also have standards, you know.
Saggy breasts
How many times have I taken a woman home only to discover that her perfect and beautiful breasts were nothing more than an illusion? I’ve seen those million-dollar bras come off and the breasts hit the ground. It’s very alarming.
Is it really fair? I mean, isn’t that false advertising? At least when it comes to penises, you have no clue what you’re about to get. But women… women mislead us into believing that their breasts are the most perfect pair on earth only to reveal that it was all smoke and mirrors.
Of course, I can empathize with the fact that the breasts you have are the breasts you’re dealt, but you can’t fault me for being disappointed when you remove your bra and they hit your navel.
Huge breasts
While most women think that men salivate over huge breasts, that’s usually not the case. To start, huge breasts are usually accompanied by huge everything else. Second, the bigger they are, the more they usually sag (see above).
Don’t get me wrong, a big pair of breasts is nice and all, but when they’re so big that they overtake a woman’s upper body, most of us draw the line there.
Veiny breasts
I’ve been with enough women to know that women judge not only the size of our penises, but even the way it looks esthetically. Most women don’t appreciate a veiny or two-toned penis. Well, we don’t appreciate veiny breasts.
Breasts are meant to look like smooth, soft, rounded, heavenly masses of perfect skin and small, erect nipples. To show us anything different turns our worlds upside down. Of course, I wouldn’t kick veiny breasts out of bed, but I probably wouldn’t tell her that her breasts were beautiful, either.
Salami breasts
Ugh! I can deal with all the aforementioned breast issues – except maybe the saggy breast one. But one thing’s for sure: I cannot deal with breasts that are overtaken by areolas, otherwise known as salami breasts.
I don’t why it is, but whenever I see a breast that’s covered by the areola, I feel like the rest of the woman must smell like cured meat. The worst of it is that by the time I see the horror, it’s too late and I can’t get away from the situation. Okay, I can, but I’m already hot and bothered by then so I just keep my eyes focused on something else.
But men love breasts
Don’t worry, ladies. Most often, when men fall in love with you, they can let certain things slide, just as I’m sure you do when it comes to them. But since women want a man’s honest opinion about the whole breast issue, I gave it to you straight from the hip.
And you can’t hate me for it; this is my breast opinion.
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